Monthly Archives: May 2016

Grieving

Hey look at that three posts in one week and two in just a few hours. Grieving isn’t easy, some people do a good job of putting on a poker face, and sometimes time does heal that wound. There are things, days, events that bring the sadness back.

Tomorrow is one of those days; on December 23rd of last year my godmother lost the fight against cancer after making the decision to rest. It was hard for me and hard for my mother. I cried because I authentically loved her and because I kept repeating to myself mentally ‘you were supposed to see me graduate next december and we’d all have that special cake recipe you’ve been planning on teaching me,’ while my mother lost her lifelong best friend.

Tomorrow we both and the family live with a little empty space, but we’re convinced she’s in heaven and happy.

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Happy Mother’s Day Other Grandma

Whenever I talk about my mother and one of my grandmothers I usually have positive things to say; my mother raised me and I feel she did a good job, and my dad’s mother was a very kind woman from when I knew her and hearing stories of her after she passed influenced my stance on feminism and women’s rights.

There is my other grandmother though, I know three different versions of her; the woman who sometimes took care of me growing up, the woman who isn’t so nice, and the woman who took a big risk for her time period and threw out her no good husband.

I never knew either of my grandpas, one from what I can gather was a good man. The other was a worthless son of a bitch who’s probably in hell. The only time I saw the later was in his coffin at his funeral so many miles away from home in Chicago. I never knew why he left as a child since these issues are never discussed among kids. The only reason we knew when to go to his funeral were because his daughters wanted to make sure my mom didn’t get anything in his will (two of them are bitches, one of them is pretty cool and I regret that we had a falling out with her too).

Back to my other grandma, it’s has been hard to come to terms with how I feel about her from going to someone I genuinely loved, to someone I loathed because she treated everyone like shit and would complain like no tomorrow unless we were watching telenovelas, to someone I felt sorry for because we had no idea who made her this way. I don’t know her life, I never will, she’s been on her death bed for twelve years so I don’t think I’ll feel too sad when she passes away.

But today she gets respect from me for making a decision that even today is still looked down upon by some people. She’s not the strong feminist figure of my dad’s mother who managed to also be a devout catholic, and she’s not my mother who raised me and put up with me. So thank you grandma Francis.

Queer 26

If you had told me in my first instances of attraction to someone of the same gender that I would be fully comfortable with me orientation by my midtwenties I would have given a very confused look since I was three and I had just discovered David Yost as Billy the blue power ranger.

I should backtrack though; I have an internet friend who’s and artist that I chat/have spats with on a regular basis. The sources of spats being him thinking that I should stay single because God wants me to, and me saying he and the church is full of shit in that aspect, but that’s a blog post for another day. We talk about writing and one day he asked “why are so many of your characters LGBT?” I shrugged and said it just comes natural and that I’m not just throwing it out there to be out there. I don’t think he believes me, and I’m convinced there is a voice in my subconscious that doesn’t believe me either.

My Mundane Bitching

There was an instance shortly after gay marriage became legal where he was at an art show not too far from a gay pride parade and how he felt uncomfortable looking at paintings next to a shirtless man wearing a kilt with pierced nipples. He told me that with the legalization of gay marriage that he hoped the “pride parade fad” would die down. Even though I’m not fond of the gay stereotype it was at that moment I prayed to God that the pride parade would go on forever.

Despite all these happy things I’m not a happy person under the LGBT population; aside from typical life issues there are still things that bother me. Why is there still a LGBT genre¬†on Netflix and Hulu? Why is the ¬†token gay person still usually a stereotype with fancy clothing, feminine voice, and obsessed with musicals (on US television anyways)? Why do all coming out stories that are successful and more sympathetic about lesbians rather than gay men? Why are most gay stories instantly associated with coming out and gayngst? WHy were most of the badass gay characters lesbians? Why do gay shows/movies have to be so damn raunchy? When will I get Will & Grace on Netflix? There is an argument that not all gay shows are raunchy such as Glee and The New Normal. I can accept that, but both shows still have stereotypical gay men as the primary cast. I will give credit to Modern Family about having a gay couple that isn’t stereotypical though. I will also give special mention to Joey Gutierrez from Agents of SHIELD for being a very normal person who happens to be gay.

I can’t speak for shows like Sens8 because I don’t watch it and I’d like to go into the topic of bisexuality, except there are many other blogs out there that will cover the topic.

You’re probably thinking “what are you bitching about? Society has taken huge leaps to be normal with you and you’re still not happy? Why can’t you be happy with the gay characters out there? You’re sounding like GLAAD!” And my reason for bitching is because I’m not the gay stereotype. One of the reasons why I was uncomfortable with my sexuality when I realized what I was was because I couldn’t relate to the gay stereotype I saw on tv from age ten to thirteen. At the time my primary source of entertainment was anime though and although homosexuality was still toned down to “close friendship” ( and in some cases ‘cousins’) in the US adaptions, I realized what those relations were. I couldn’t become fully okay with myself until I met an adult gay male who didn’t have anything stereotypical about him aside from his voice. No flashy clothing, no sassy attitude, no desire to go clubbing, no abs or muscles to look at (not all stereotypes are bad things), just a regular plain adult who happened to be gay.

A Small Snippet of my Teens/YA Life

This adult is my first love and former boyfriend who is still a very dear person to me (I’m not entirely over him). He opened my eyes to more issues and in a sense agreed with what I hoped for in the future where being gay didn’t instantly define what I am and completely change who I am to someone as soon as they found out. First he showed me what Yaoi was, I freaked out significantly because I had presumed that because I was gay there was no way I could have sex and would die a virgin. He also told me there’s such a thing as Gay Day at Disney parks where gay couples and families could go and be normal. I liked the idea, but me being an idealist hoped that one day Gay Day wouldn’t be needed anymore and I could go to a Disney park with my partner on any regular old day.

He also eventually showed me Battlestar Galactica and Caprica that had what I had wanted in US television; gays doing cool stuff without being a stereotype. It did kind of suck that in BSG the gay character became a villain and the gay character on Caprica was a trained mobster assassin who killed in very bloody ways. Prior to being exposed to Battlestar Galactica though and through the exposure to Yaoi I did start reading more manga with more LGBT couples and gay men who weren’t stereotypes. I really liked it! It made me dream of moving to Japan just so I can be seen as a normal person (in a sense).

I was also exposed to the television show Queer as Folk, and although it was interesting, I’m not really one for raunchy stuff on tv.

Writing

When I graduated highschool I wanted to write YA, to this day I only have two completed books. They’re awful and should not be read by anyone because so much of it makes me want to cringe. I am in the process of rewriting said stories though. It wasn’t intentional, but I made two characters that were gay when I was doing a fanfic of Dead Like Me. The story eventually evolved into something completely different and even now as I’m rewriting it it has evolved into it’s own universe. The generally story is a Christian gay boy hoping and praying for his atheist boyfriend to wake up from his coma.

I’m still working on this story and many others, but there’s a multitude of gay and straight characters in them.

To finish this blog I’ll leave a song and the fictional lgbt character I relate to most; Pearl from Steven Universe.