Category Archives: life

A Farewell

I’ve seen and followed many blogs that suddenly and abruptly end. For whatever reason the individual posting the blogs just moves on with their life and in a sense I am to. Not because I’m so “above” doing blog posts, but because I have been reading books and watching movies and forgot I had this blog twice in the past year.

Rather than fully forget about this little blog completely and fully move on in life, I decided I’d do a farewell post. I’ll also explain why my focuses were the way they were.

Why do You Have Gay Discussions and Christian discussions?

When you’re part of a very strange minority of gay and christian, it takes up part of your mind more than it should. It mostly comes from the first half of my twenties being in youth ministry and an English major and just having analytical thoughts on both subjects.

How did Movies get Into the Discussion When this was Supposed to be a Book Blog?

I like movies and felt that they’re pretty easy to analyse and are just as entertaining as a book.

What’s With the Lengthy essays? Where did they go?

I did essays because I secretly have a guilty pleasure for them when I can write about a subject I care about or consider important. However as I continued to work on them it slowly set in that I was sometimes doing graduate student level work but significantly more sloppy, not bothering to cite or reference sources, and not even proof reading before publishing the essays to the web.

So I did the smart thing and just decided to stop doing essays since I was doing most of them in one sitting.

Unfinished Essays

So believe it or not I had planned on doing one final essay on “Expanded Universe Content,” inspired by my pet peeve with expanded universe novels and content (If I’m going to read a Doctor Who or Star Wars novel it better damn be amazing). I was actually going to do things the right way with sources, references, MLA citation at the end of the blog post, and sweet Baby Yoda I realized I’d be going above and beyond Grad Student work.

I also wanted to do an essay on comedy and inclusion, but just didn’t have the time to sit down and plan it out; all I remember is that it had to do with wanting to be included in comedy as a lgbt individual and the decision of Family Guy to stop doing gay jokes. (If you can’t laugh at yourself then what’s the point of comedy?)

Why I’m Leaving and What I’ll be Doing.

Like I mentioned earlier I had forgotten I had this blog twice in the past year. In the past year of working full time, working part time, working two jobs, to working and doing a teacher certification my brain began to re prioritize what’s important and what isn’t. While Books and Smizmars was and is important to me, It’s not getting me any money or helping me achieve my goals long term.

I did spend some time rereading some of my old posts and essays; the main thought in my head was “I could have done better,” which I’m sure is in every person’s mind when they examine something they did in the past, but for me had a stinging sensation from when I was studying English.

I’ll be focusing on a teaching career; I’m currently a sub, I’m actually a little shocked I know enough of science, math, art, and English to help students rather than just be a sub who kicks back and tells students to do their work coming up with excuses not to help them.

I’ve also chosen to focus on artistic endeavors a little more and have shelved writing interests for the time being. I like being an artist and I’m finally comfortable enough to call myself that after years of questioning my talent and ability.

I don’t think I’m officially done with blogging for good, I’ve stopped blogs in the past and always find myself back to doing them. Who knows, maybe the next blog will be for the sake of art. For now though, it’s a farewell, it’s been a lovely five(ish) years and I hope you enjoyed reading.



My Pittsburgh Vacation and Meeting an Online Friend

About a month ago I did something I thought I possibly wouldn’t do and that was literally go meet a friend I met through the internet. I know in modern times meeting someone you met online isn’t such a big deal; we use the internet for various reasons and sometimes people are scheduled to meet bosses online or meet a date via dating apps. This was a little different though because I’ve been friends with this individual for five years.

How did I meet this strange man, YouTube, I discovered his videos back in 2012 and was just starting acrylic painting, and somehow I ended up in a live art hangout and chatting with him and other artists. This led to him giving a few tips on how to improve my abilities as an artist and…a friend request on Facebook. 

From my side of the friendship, I did my best to stay as professional as possible when it began. I didn’t even look up his personal Facebook out of respect for his privacy. And post friend request we stayed fairly professional (sorta). It was neat discovering he was also catholic, a little fun making him guess my sexual orientation, and so worth it upgrading from liquitex basic and Apple Barrel brand paints to Golden acrylic paints and Liquitex Professionals. 

About three years into our friendship and numerous video calls the topic of meeting in real life popped up; because I was working on a degree I felt it would be best to postpone the meeting until I had a degree and stable income.Then came life issues, and then I landed a job at a call center. Working at the call center was not a happy experience, but I motivated myself through it all by reminding myself that I was saving money to meet this strange man on the internet.

Who is This Mystery Man?

So first thing is first, my friend Ben is not gay, he’s straight. Despite what some family members thought this was not one expensive hookup, this literally was me visiting and meeting a friend. He runs the YouTube channel Cinder Block Studios where he gives painting tutorials on techniques with acrylic paint.

He’s a great painter and I have learned a lot from him over the years (even if it looks like I’m just screwing around). He’s pretty cool, younger than he looks, younger than me by a few months, is older than me mentally (like 98% of the time), taller than me, makes amazing cocktails, and cooks some of the best food I’ve ever tasted (I damaged a temporary filling on his porkchop. It was worth it). 

How was Your Vacay?

It was great, I actually found myself relaxing so much more than I have in a long time. I had time to sit down and fully have thoughts to myself and not have to focus on other needs in life. It was a little strange being the minority, but I got over it pretty fast.

I also went to confession and had a lifelong paranoia of “do I even look Mexican American?” put to rest when the priest at his church spoke to me in Spanish. I also got to a Blicks art store, it was interesting to go to an art store that specified solely on art and not branch into other ventures like crafts. I also got to drag Ben to two bookstores and give him an idea of what it’s like when I go shopping for books and what kind of books I like. 

Pittsburgh is a beautiful city with nature and art, way too many hills though. But seeing so many trees and at times being tempted to explore the small forests close to Ben’s house just to seclude myself from the world a little more than I normally do. 

One of my favorite places to see was The Cathedral of Learning where each room is dedicated to a different culture. It may have been a coincidence that the day I went was the grand opening of the room for The Philippines, but I think it’s a nice way of being reminded that even if I traveled to a different state and different time zone that a little piece of home would find a way to be near me. 

I also met Ben’s family who are all very kind and hospitable people. Also yes Ben is straight, I know reading this sort of sounds like a shitty romcom, but it’s not!

Science Friction, Doctor Who Meets Stargate SG1

So one idea I had thrown out before all of this was set in stone was both of us showing each other one of our favorite movies that the other hadn’t seen. Somehow this turned into showing each other episodes of Doctor Who (Listen, Demons of the Punjab, The New Earth, The Day of the Doctor, Vincent and the Doctor) and Stargate SG1; (1969, Window of Opportunity, Revisions, 200, Upgrades) We also showed each other movies (He showed me Midnight in Paris and Coming to America, I showed him Crazy Rich Asians and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them).

It was very nice to see how we would react to our favorite shows; he thought Peter Capaldi was an amazing Doctor and really liked Fantastic Beasts, he wasn’t so into Crazy Rich Asians. I very much enjoyed Stargate SG1 and started watching the series on Hulu. I do have thoughts on Coming to America and may write an essay comparing that film to Crazy Rich Asians along with some realizations as to why I love CRA.


So this was one of the cool things about my trip was painting. Both of us did get time to sit down and paint with each other; I didn’t have anything planned or feel a type of inspiration so I did some simple abstract art that was shockingly impressive. I also created alot of eyes because it’s my go to doodle whenever trying a new medium. 

Like I said earlier having some private time to think, read, and paint helped me at the very least experiment with colors and shapes. Also I popped up in two of his youtube videos.

Tell me about your adventures, have you ever met a stranger on the internet just for fun (the PG kind)?

I Love you Dad

There is so much I want to say about my dad; I want to say he was the best dad in the world despite being a flawed person. I want to say he knew the answer to so many problems despite him seeing practical solutions that people would overlook and telling me “just pray to God and everything will be fine.” Most of all, I really do want him here now.
On Sunday June third at 15:33 my father was called into God’s kingdom. What had started as a simple colonoscopy and lead to the removal of a tumor with six months of chemotherapy ended with a two month hospitalization and the loss of my most favorite person in the world. This whole experience is still a shock to friends and family who were close to my dad, but instead of focusing on the sadder parts of the experience, I wanted to focus on something important to me that my watchers probably gathered that is closely tied to my relationship with my dad, God and the Catholic religion he left for me.
When I was little one of my first memories was my dad telling me one day I, and everyone I know and love, will die. Death was okay though, because so long as you were a good and kind person, you went to heaven. From there he taught me about God and Jesus and with his humble ways he taught me Catholicism.
He wasn’t like other men in the sense that “emotions and intelligence are dumb,” and while he did teach me skills he felt a man needed to know, my dad did things most men wouldn’t do with their sons. When I was seven and didn’t want to learn to shoot a bb gun, he asked me why. I stated that from what I saw on tv guns were used to end life, my dad accepted this reasoning for not wanting to learn to use a gun and never brought up the topic again. The main thing my dad did, that most fathers don’t do with their sons was that he was very open about loving me and my brothers.
Everyday when I was dropped off to school he told me he loved me, every night before I went to bed he told me he loved me. Every phone call I had with him ended with both of us exchanging “I love you.”
As I got older things started to get complicated; I had been assigned two Sunday school teachers that were homophobic in eighth and ninth grade that stated no matter what I tried I would go to hell for my existence (don’t worry, they have been asked to resign from ever teaching sunday school again). However because of that and many trials in life (well highschool) I felt the need to join a statistical correlation concerning gay youth.
My dad noticed something was wrong though, I call it having the best love a parent could ever have. When I was seventeen planning to become a statistic I decided to tell my dad I was gay just to give a reason for said statistic to happen. I expected to be thrown out, condemned, beaten, but I wasn’t. He smiled, hugged me tight, and said he loved me anyways.
From that point on I decided I would stay in this religion to honor my dad for his unconditional love.
While my dad did have flaws (he didn’t realize that me being gay also meant I would date and have a boyfriend at some point), he was still someone I loved (and still do) greatly. It’s hard to think properly right now, it’s hard to type the sixty four pages my dad deserves and more about how awesome a parent and person he was. It’s hard to breath for various reasons and type on this keyboard (mostly because of allergy season,) but for now I continue to be with my family and pray for him. I’ll try my best to continue his legacy. I am taking a break from blogging as well, to recover and regain the ability to read books and listen to audiobooks.
Be kind.

“I Drowned in Moonlight Strangled by my Own Bra”

I didn’t want to do a blog post on Carrie Fisher, I didn’t want to be a public mourner, I was and am scared people will say “you’re just doing a blog post for the sake of page views”. The truth is though, I really am sad about Carrie Fisher passing away.

I met her once by chance at a convention (Dallas Fan Expo 2015); I didn’t realize who she was at the time because it was Sunday the last day of the con, my feet were exhausted, I spent a little over 300$ in three days for the first time in my life, I had just seen my former boyfriend for the first time in two years so I wasn’t in the most logical thinking mode. She was disguised with large sunglasses and a hat and I didn’t know she was short in person. I told her that her pup Gary Fisher was one of the cutest dogs every, she said thank you, and I walked away barely realizing who she was and saying to myself “shit I missed out on a free selfie with a celebrity!”

Because of this encounter, and because of four of my friends I gave being a Star Wars fan another shot. And I was happy to add this world to the number of worlds I enjoyed so much.

I could go on about my usual “woo feminism” antics that I normally do on this blog, but I’ll go on about something else. Carrie Fisher suffered from bipolar disorder, but rather than suffer from it, she learned to conquer it and let many people who live with mental health issues that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Something I wish I had known as a teenager who suffered from anxiety attacks and didn’t know who to talk to about them, or that my condition even had a name, or that it could have been treated beyond being told “it’s all in your head.”

She was awesome, witty, she had brains that came along with that pretty face and didn’t give two shits about losing her youth, beauty and gaining weight as she got older. She was someone who gained the ability to make peace with her past and embraced the future without fear and in place of that fear, joy and eagerness to see what tomorrow had to offer.

Yes I will mourn her both as Carrie Fisher and as General Leia Skywalker, but with this sadness I see a goal and a woman to look up to, who despite being born into wealth had her own life struggles and conquered them with wit and intelligence.

Thank you Carrie, even though things seem dark, scary, and sad, learning about you and your life gave me, and hopefully others something to look forward to in life and hope that our own mental struggles can be conquered (with little dogs too).

Thank you Mom and Dad for Letting me Follow and Fail at my Dreams

Hopefully in a month I will have finally finished my bachelor’s in environmental science. It’s been a very odd ride and I’d be lying if I said it was amazing 100% the whole time, because there were some years that really sucked.

As I mentioned a few times a month ago I went to the Texas Teen Book Festival in Austin and I noticed that a main theme from the talks from the authors was following your dreams. Mindy Kaling actually gave advice in how to succeed via the academic rout of entertainment while YA author Laini Taylor mentioned that sometimes following your dreams involves living a harder life or possibly even keeping it as a part time thing in terms of income.

Today I’d like to thank my parents for doing something many parents are unsure about when raising their procreation statistic from birth to eighteen (or sooner). From friends that are parents I’ve been told that they do feel bad about telling their kids to a certain rout of academia for the sake of job security. My parents did something different than most other parents, they let me follow my dreams. Granted I didn’t really have goals as a teenager. I had other concerns in life that at the time made up most of my anxiety than most of my peers.


I did have three dreams though; become an author or writer, become a YouTube celebrity, go into stand up comedy. During highschool I did go through the culinary arts program, and although I did love it very much and got accepted to Cordon Bleu, I had to be honest with myself and realize I couldn’t handle the stress of being a chef (ironically those skills have proved the most useful in my adult life). The dream of being a YouTube celebrity was also thrown out the window since I had no access to fancy recording equipment (I got my first digital camera at 18) and YouTube just wasn’t what it is now at the time. So that left being an author or writer.

I was never open about being a stand up comedian, essentially because I was quiet with everyone but my small group of friends. In Speech class when we were offered to do a presentation as our final exam, I asked if I could do five minutes of stand up. My teacher gave me the greenlight under the condition that I couldn’t swear, make any innuendos, insult or make fun of my classmates, no racial slurs (not even poking fun at hispanic heritage), and plagiarize any other stand up routines. I followed the guidelines, got my classmates to laugh, and got an A+. I followed my better judgment and set aside that dream.

When I expressed my dream of being an author many adults thought it applied to being a journalist (they may have been onto something since I do enjoy doing book and movie reviews). When I said I wanted to write stories other adults would pull the race card and think I wanted to write about my Hispanic heritage and whatever struggles I had in life based on it. And while I think those stories are great and I can relate to a few of them, it’s a gimmick and we all know how I feel about those.

What I wanted to write about was essentially my own stories of a variety of people joining forces and overcoming differences to fight evil, badass girls using magic to save the day, and to be honest I wanted to write lgbt stories from the start. I wanted to write lgbt characters doin things you didn’t see them doing at the time (and even now don’t see them doing so often), I wanted to write them as something beyond the stereotype of flashy clothes, being bitchy, etc. I wanted to show them as performing cool magic stuff, using swords, having layers in their personality beyond “token gay friend”.

The Reality of Following Dreams

First there is nothing wrong with following your dreams, but it requires work. Maybe it’s because the college I applied to last minute and got a scholarship for doesn’t really have a good English program (I will show no mercy to that English department and it’s apathetic professors), maybe it’s because I was better at free writing than actual scholarly essays, maybe it’s because I didn’t put the full effort in school that I was claiming to at the time that I just wasn’t enjoying “following my dream”.

My only experience for writing when I was a teenager were sucky essays that were written by hand (oh thank you Gay man who helped invent the computer) and typing out sucky blogs that I deleted a LONG time ago.

During my year of being eighteen I wrote two books. I have them hidden away on a USB and backed up in a Google Drive folder and I don’t want to look at them. But I had felt it was a great accomplishment to do at the time. I kind of still think it’s an accomplishment that I did such a thing at that age in such a small frame of time compared to how many unfinished projects I have now.

It took a lot to accept that my dream wasn’t working out. I had professors that would tell me there was something wrong with my writing and only one of them bothering to help me improve myself. After a close friend had died from suicide I sat down with another friend, handed a short story, and asked if I should continue pursuing this dream. He was honest and said that while the creativity and imagination was there, there was no talent. I accepted the answer and changed my degree the following morning.

I didn’t cry over my dead dream, I had told my parents that I was changing my major, they were happy I was going for a worthwhile degree in biology (which would later go to environmental science). I decided to stop writing and concentrate on other parts in life that needed fixing up at the time.

Post Dream Life

I did return to writing about two years ago because I felt a burst of creativity in terms of stories. I decided to revisit one of my two books written and felt that it deserved a second chance of being rewritten, and that’s what I’m doing right now.

I have decided to take the advice of Laini Taylor and set my dream as part time rather than full time.

Finally, thank you again mom and dad. You accepted a risk many parents are scared to let their children follow, you didn’t do a “I told you so” like some parents would when I failed at my dreams, and you supported any and all decisions I made.

Remember When I Said I Painted?

I just remembered I had mentioned when I first started this little blog that I love painting and saw that I haven’t posted any paintings since then! Lol, I don’t have anything recent today, but I have a little lesson concerning quality of paint.

When I started painting I was literally using a watercolor pallet from a beginner art set my dad bought at a farmer’s market back in 2010. I used the water colors because they were the only thing from the beginner set that were decent quality to actually use since the color pencils and oil pastels were crap and the acrylic paint that came with the set were nearly dried out.
Throughout my life I always had the personal belief that “it’s not how much you spend on something, but it’s what you make out of what you have,” and I still stand by that belief. I created some lovely pictures I’m happy with using paint that would make one of my closest friends strangle me for ever purchasing.
I used these cheap paints very happily because I didn’t know any better, there were issues that I had with them though; I got frustrated with color shift on a regular basis and sometimes I felt some areas of a painting were too dull for me while other parts were alive and full of life (I inherited some of my acrylic paint from a brother who gave up on traditional art).

Then I met my friend Ben who I presume wanted to buy a plane ticket to Texas and strangle me after eating tacos for using Liquitex Basics and Apple Barrel acrylic paint. He told me about color shift, and how some of the paintings i was making wouldn’t last as time went on because of the acrylic paint quality. When hearing this i felt a little sad inside because I had started taking in commissions from close friends of mine and even gave paintings away as birthday/christmas presents and hearing that they didn’t have much time put a downer on me. So I gave away all my liquitex basic paints to a friend of mine and started fresh with Golden Paints I got super cheap with a Michael’s coupon.
The first thing that caught my attention was that there was no color shift at all! I had spent thirty minutes waiting for the color to darken and discovering that there is something to paying a little more for higher quality.The paintings I’ve made since then are also more alive since as my friend (and people who actually know a thing or two about paints) would say it’s because there’s more pigment than filling in the paint.
I also finally realized what people mean by ‘this acrylic paint is so watery’ after assuming that they were referring to the viscosity of the paint rather than the quality of the paint since there are soft body acrylics with low levels of viscosity gooiness and there are some paints nice and gooey.

There’s my little two cents for the day, I still have nothing against people who have cheaper paint (just try and come yell at me in person Ben! lol), I have seen people create really nice paintings with cheap paints from the brands I mentioned above, but I also know the disadvantages of them and probably will never use them again.

Disposing of Villains

In alot of stories there is something to cause conflict, we usually call this something a villain. The villain exists because let’s face it a story would be as dull as dirt with just main protagonists. Granted a story doesn’t need a villain gloating twirling his evil mustache at the hero. Sometimes the conflict is something beyond anyone’s control, but today we will be talking of how in many works of fiction villains can be defeated in a variety of ways. Sometimes fans are satisfied, sometimes they’re not. Note I will be primarily covering select solutions to villains from works of fiction I’ve seen or read or watched, if you wish to counter argue some points you are welcomed to do so in a respectful way.

Spoilers for Many Works of Fiction, gosh I gotta find a way to write these things without spoilers.

Kill the Son of a Bitch!

That’s right, sometimes the solution to all of the conflict it for the hero to kill our antagonist! We see this action frequently in fiction these days where a villain is so bad they just need to be killed. The hero either kills out of necessity of a final solution unwillingly, because it needs to be done, or just because the villain needs to die.

This is somewhat common in anime and manga; in the Sailor Moon manga our heroines kill nearly all the villains they run into without any hesitation or second thought to the idea of killing someone because they are a bad person. I had an issue with this problem since when I got to read the Sailor Moon manga I had already watched the anime where alot of these villains didn’t die. This is probably so since Naoko Takuichi had to continue to get to the main plot of the story and didn’t have time to develop most of her villains and needed a reason for Sailor Moon to show off her fancy new powers for the new arc.

Both the anime and manga of Dragon Ball featured Goku and friends usually kill the antagonists they run into because it was their only resort after Piccolo and Goku fought in the world martial arts tournament (so many beings in that fictional universe that have the power to destroy planets with ease). In this situation though it’s because said villains are threatening the planet earth on a regular basis and don’t seem to think killing innocent lives is a bad thing.

This isn’t something restricted to just anime and manga; Disney is guilty of this too, just not too often. In Sleeping Beauty the good faries having had enough of Maleficent screwing around with them and ruining their best flowers take Prince Edward and show the bitch and her minions who’s boss. They turn her beloved pet crow to stone and enchant a sword that Edward throws into Maleficent’s heart killing her efficiently. Even in her version of the story Maleficent is pushed far enough that she has to kill her enemy for the greater good.

There is also Mulan, while she technically isn’t a princess (she only hugged the emperor of China), she has the highest headcount of any of her princess counterparts committing mass genocide against the Han via avalanche and launching a giant firework/rocket into the leader of the Han. Tiana kills Dr.Facilier and while not exclusively Disney, Dorothy Gale did kill two witches, both times as accidents though. Same for her book counterpart. Same goes for Anastasia who unlike the previous girls in this paragraph kills her foe in cold blood.

Back to television this is very common on kids tv; most seasons of Power Rangers have the Rangers kill the main antagonist because they’re evil. Not all antagonists are killed, but I’ll get to that later.  So far all three seasons of Agents of Shield have had to resort to killing the antagonist of the season because they’re that insane. And finally on Doctor Who, while the Doctor himself has a rule set for himself that he won’t kill an enemy (post reboot anyways), that doesn’t mean his companions are always as compassionate/willing to follow his set of rules.

Finally in literature it is a common theme in dystopia novels that the final solution to defeating an enemy is through killing. In The Hunger Games series it appears Katniss’ solution to the issues in Panem is to kill president Snow, however rather than killing THAT antagonist, Katniss chooses to kill president Coin realizing she’s just as evil (possibly more evil) and lacking in compassion as Snow.

In contrast with above, the heroines of The Lunar Chronicles only choose to kill Queen Levana because she’s that insane, has the power to control people against their will, and is just that much of a jerk to make people miserable. She even tries to pull the compassion card with Cinder by just asking the lead heroin to let her “just be pretty again” before attacking Cinder in a rare moment of gullibleness.

Then there’s The Chronicles of Narna where despite being Christian literature many foes are killed. Not in cold blood though, but rather because the enemies are just variations of Satan. The final book in the series does have all the remaining antagonists and grey area entities fates left ambiguous (probably in hell) and in a unique twist all of the protagonists died.

God/Nature/Gravity/Someone Else Does the Dirty Work

This is more common in children’s entertainment where it’s not such a good thing to have the protagonist kill, so why not have nature or gravity do the dirty work for them? This is very common in works of Disney so I won’t list any specific movies from Disney where this happens.

Outside of Disney this is fairly rare, but since it wasn’t always a Disney franchise there is the original Star Wars trilogy. Luke goes on a mission to try to redeem his dad and has to deal with the constant sarcasm of Emperor Palpatine, Anakin reawakens in Vader and kills Palpatine for Luke leaving the young Jedi fairly pure still.

The first few seasons of Power Rangers actually has all the villains constantly trying to one up each other rather than having the rangers kill the main antagonists. Supposedly had the franchise not been a success, actress Machiko Soga would have been flown to California from Japan so they could film the five rangers placing her and her team back into a dumpster and sending her back to space.

While the antagonist doesn’t have to necessarily be killed for this solution, it is a good way to keep the protagonist from getting their hands dirty and keeping a fairly clean image and my second least favorite approach to the problem.

The Nonviolent Solution and Possible Redemption

Continuing with Power Rangers in what was thought to be their final season Power Rangers in Space where all hope is lost in the universe and five Rangers on earth and other rangers teams/allies fighting a losing galaxy wide battle against the Alliance of Evil consisting of all their previous foes teaming up together and doing planet wide attacks rather than sending one monster at a time. Zordon orders Andross the red ranger in this hopeless moment to kill him thus reducing nearly all the villains to ashes and redeeming villains such as Rita, Zed, Divatox, and even bringing Andross’ sister back from the dead.

Power Rangers Time Force went a step further and rather than killing the monster of the week, the rangers arrested them and froze them to be imprisoned. It is in the finale that the main villain Ransik chooses to surrender to the rangers in a moment of realization at the evil he has caused after nearly killing his daughter Nadira. Nadira had previously turned against her father after being told by a friend to break the cycle of hate that had caused the events of the season (oh and helping a woman give birth when she went into labor when Nadira was robbing a store). Ransik chooses to surrender to the rangers and be arrested.

As stated above in the Sailor Moon anime many villains and antagonists are in fact still alive because Usagi and friends treasure life and the power of love and friendship is that strong that all enemies can be redeemed. Didn’t work for Nephrite though. The French/Korean children’s show Miraculous LadyBug actually runs on this where on a weekly basis the protagonist Ladybug has to use her Lucky Charm powers to solve problems without killing any of the antagonists.

This is also a major issue with the children’s cartoons Avatar The Last Air Bender and Avatar the Legend of Korra where both incarnations of the Avatar choose not to kill the final antagonist. For Aang  in the final episodes of the series he is conflicted by his personal belief that killing is wrong despite the past Avatar incarnations saying that it was his duty to kill Fire Lord Ozai belief’s be damned. However a new option is presented and Aang jumps at that opportunity to save the day. In Legend of Korra, the lead heroin does kill one of her adversaries, but admits she regrets that there was no way for her to save him. In her series finale she approaches Kuvira and rather than using force against her talks her down into surrendering. Kuvira does not get off easy with Korra’s friends though.

Finally there’s the Twilight saga, as bad as the series is I do respect it for one reason. Rather than going for the bloody intense fight that Stephenie Meyer had been building up to in the final book Breaking Dawn our author chooses to have our protagonists and antagonists not go into battle with one another.

I will say that despite how anticlimactic this solution is at times, this is my preferred solution to a story since in real life (joking aside with my friends) I am a pacifist and I’m not particularly fond of violent solutions to problems.

Why Does it Matter?

Fifteen years ago today there was an event that affected people around the world and changed the world we live in. Where lives were lost and people felt emotions from sorrow to anger. It was the day my dad took me aside and decided to take the religion he had chosen for me more seriously by telling me that the people responsible for so much death were bad people, but that not all the people of the Islamic religion were responsible for all the potential days meant to be lived by those people lost.

Ten years later on May 2nd 2011 Osama Bin Ladin had been killed. I remember that day crying because I realized something horrible. That in the act of him being killed by US soldiers and celebrating his death that we had sunken to the level of evil (conspiracy theories aside (all conspiracy theory comments will be deleted btw)) needed to claim so many lives. I know not all of the world felt joy in his death, but it felt very wrong to me at that moment and even now that it had to be the final solution to a problem that still hasn’t been fixed as a result in today’s world.

To finish this, I’ll leave a quote from Fred Rogers; When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look at the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 




Gay and Christian

Trey Pearson, Christian rock singer for the band Every Day Sunday recently came out as gay. I haven’t ever listened to the band and probably won’t care to (I think my Jesus freak days are done,) but hearing the news that a member of a successful group was gay just caught my attention.

We’re a minority, lgbt christians, I can’t speak for all the other stories because I didn’t experience them first hand and I have no right to say what others have gone through. I don’t know what Trey Pearson went through growing up, I only have my own experiences.

These are also personal experiences that I have mostly chosen to keep off the internet, but I will post a little blog about it. I won’t talk about my actual upbringing or how my parents reacted concerning it and my religion (shockingly nothing negative though), I won’t talk about any actual religious stuff. If you want a blog post about homosexuality and the Bible you can go google another blog with that topic. My own spiritual experiences are also off limits.

Wait, Gay and Christian?

These are the usual questions that arose when I revealed I was gay and catholic; wait, aren’t you scared you’re going to hell for being gay? Are you ever going to get married? Are you ever going to have sex? Don’t you know you’ll be happier if you just leave the church? My usual answers are no, not sure (as of June 2015 I hope to though), that’s none of your business, and you don’t seem to be thrilled with life either.

In real life I choose to be fairly subtle about my sexuality because 1. I desire to be judged based on the kind of person I am and 2. It’s kind of fun to screw with the heads of people who don’t realize it off the bat. However in the days that I was more religious I chose not to speak of my sexuality too much because I wanted to keep my love life private, a right every person has. It wasn’t out of shame, but because I feel some things in life should be private.

Concerning that period of time and when I think about it it’s pretty obvious who would have stayed my friend had I been open about what I am and who would have been ready to throw stones at me. I keep in contact with the former and prefer not to be in contact with the later.

I also never chose to come out to any religious group because I never wanted to be the token gay, or the face of Christians who happen to be gay. I wanted to be treated as equally as everyone else. The thought of being the face of something terrifies the shit out of me; it means I have to constantly be on good behavior, constantly be the bigger person,  and any time I fucked up it looks bad on a whole group of people. It’s a cowardly decision I’m aware, but becoming the face of something would have meant losing something I very much desire to keep private in my life.

As of this current time (2016) my religious beliefs have been moved over to my private life too. Also not out of shame (yes there has been struggle the past few years because life is never easy), but out of the same reason I keep my love life private, because I want it to be private and I have the right to that privacy. Yes there are alot of things I don’t agree with the church about and many people will say I don’t deserve to say I’m catholic based on it. My usual response to that is “k thanks, bye.”

The C and A

The  first and sole relationship I’ve ever had was with an atheist. I’m still friends with him, I still love him. I’ve looked up to him since I was sixteen hoping I would grow up to be like him as an adult as someone as confident and comfortable with his sexuality as he was. He is also a very loving individual, very stressed, but very loving.

I chose to keep my relationship with him private because it was long distance and based of that readers should be able to gather enough. There were a few friends I told of it, some of them were shocked that I talked to atheists and were convinced I’d be led away from God. Other said I needed to convert him to the love of God so he wouldn’t go to hell.

When the subject of God came up, they weren’t always pleasant and I was defensive about the situation and said things I really regret now as an older adult. However, from this man that I probably admire a little too much I feel I learned to be a more loving person and gained the ability to love a little more unconditionally (ok maybe not completely unconditionally, there’s alot of idiots in my life).

The reason he’s my sole relationship so far is because a relationship just isn’t on my priority list right now. I also date based off intuition and chemistry and I don’t have much of my type available at this time.

Other lgbtq Christians?

I haven’t met too many, I’ve met a few, they’re nice people, but there’s never a balance I feel comfortable with concerning religious life and sexuality. My gaydar detects who’s gay in a group fairly accurately. I never act on it because in most of those situations the individual has/is in the closet. There is nothing wrong with being in the closet if you are scared/desire not to come out (so long as you don’t bash anyone out of the closet).

I’ve gone to gay christian dating sites, I had a good laugh after thirty minutes of going through profiles and deleted mine. Nothing against those gentlemen, but I can’t see myself with any of them.

Has it Ever Been a Problem? (Just End the Damn Blog Post Already)

I can understand if someone were concerned for my mental health concerning this topic. As I said before I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences, but I can understand resentment or a dislike of the religion. Even for those who are open about their religion and sexuality there are still some delicate places. For one thing it’s a little hard to date and be abstinent since it’s nearly always a deal breaker from my own experience. No idea why straight couples don’t get shamed as much concerning the topic (unless one of them ends up pregnant…).

I never really did ever think I was going to hell or feared what God would think of me since God is omnipresent. I was raised in a very loving family and I’m grateful for it. Do I feel like I’m getting the short end of alot of sticks? HELL YEAH! But I can be very hopeful for a nice future. To finish things up, here’s a song I could always relate to and always shared without revealing that it’s a christian song (seriously why do we always have to label things these days?)





Hey look at that three posts in one week and two in just a few hours. Grieving isn’t easy, some people do a good job of putting on a poker face, and sometimes time does heal that wound. There are things, days, events that bring the sadness back.

Tomorrow is one of those days; on December 23rd of last year my godmother lost the fight against cancer after making the decision to rest. It was hard for me and hard for my mother. I cried because I authentically loved her and because I kept repeating to myself mentally ‘you were supposed to see me graduate next december and we’d all have that special cake recipe you’ve been planning on teaching me,’ while my mother lost her lifelong best friend.

Tomorrow we both and the family live with a little empty space, but we’re convinced she’s in heaven and happy.

Happy Mother’s Day Other Grandma

Whenever I talk about my mother and one of my grandmothers I usually have positive things to say; my mother raised me and I feel she did a good job, and my dad’s mother was a very kind woman from when I knew her and hearing stories of her after she passed influenced my stance on feminism and women’s rights.

There is my other grandmother though, I know three different versions of her; the woman who sometimes took care of me growing up, the woman who isn’t so nice, and the woman who took a big risk for her time period and threw out her no good husband.

I never knew either of my grandpas, one from what I can gather was a good man. The other was a worthless son of a bitch who’s probably in hell. The only time I saw the later was in his coffin at his funeral so many miles away from home in Chicago. I never knew why he left as a child since these issues are never discussed among kids. The only reason we knew when to go to his funeral were because his daughters wanted to make sure my mom didn’t get anything in his will (two of them are bitches, one of them is pretty cool and I regret that we had a falling out with her too).

Back to my other grandma, it’s has been hard to come to terms with how I feel about her from going to someone I genuinely loved, to someone I loathed because she treated everyone like shit and would complain like no tomorrow unless we were watching telenovelas, to someone I felt sorry for because we had no idea who made her this way. I don’t know her life, I never will, she’s been on her death bed for twelve years so I don’t think I’ll feel too sad when she passes away.

But today she gets respect from me for making a decision that even today is still looked down upon by some people. She’s not the strong feminist figure of my dad’s mother who managed to also be a devout catholic, and she’s not my mother who raised me and put up with me. So thank you grandma Francis.