Category Archives: life

“I Drowned in Moonlight Strangled by my Own Bra”

I didn’t want to do a blog post on Carrie Fisher, I didn’t want to be a public mourner, I was and am scared people will say “you’re just doing a blog post for the sake of page views”. The truth is though, I really am sad about Carrie Fisher passing away.

I met her once by chance at a convention (Dallas Fan Expo 2015); I didn’t realize who she was at the time because it was Sunday the last day of the con, my feet were exhausted, I spent a little over 300$ in three days for the first time in my life, I had just seen my former boyfriend for the first time in two years so I wasn’t in the most logical thinking mode. She was disguised with large sunglasses and a hat and I didn’t know she was short in person. I told her that her pup Gary Fisher was one of the cutest dogs every, she said thank you, and I walked away barely realizing who she was and saying to myself “shit I missed out on a free selfie with a celebrity!”

Because of this encounter, and because of four of my friends I gave being a Star Wars fan another shot. And I was happy to add this world to the number of worlds I enjoyed so much.

I could go on about my usual “woo feminism” antics that I normally do on this blog, but I’ll go on about something else. Carrie Fisher suffered from bipolar disorder, but rather than suffer from it, she learned to conquer it and let many people who live with mental health issues that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Something I wish I had known as a teenager who suffered from anxiety attacks and didn’t know who to talk to about them, or that my condition even had a name, or that it could have been treated beyond being told “it’s all in your head.”

She was awesome, witty, she had brains that came along with that pretty face and didn’t give two shits about losing her youth, beauty and gaining weight as she got older. She was someone who gained the ability to make peace with her past and embraced the future without fear and in place of that fear, joy and eagerness to see what tomorrow had to offer.

Yes I will mourn her both as Carrie Fisher and as General Leia Skywalker, but with this sadness I see a goal and a woman to look up to, who despite being born into wealth had her own life struggles and conquered them with wit and intelligence.

Thank you Carrie, even though things seem dark, scary, and sad, learning about you and your life gave me, and hopefully others something to look forward to in life and hope that our own mental struggles can be conquered (with little dogs too).

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Thank you Mom and Dad for Letting me Follow and Fail at my Dreams

Hopefully in a month I will have finally finished my bachelor’s in environmental science. It’s been a very odd ride and I’d be lying if I said it was amazing 100% the whole time, because there were some years that really sucked.

As I mentioned a few times a month ago I went to the Texas Teen Book Festival in Austin and I noticed that a main theme from the talks from the authors was following your dreams. Mindy Kaling actually gave advice in how to succeed via the academic rout of entertainment while YA author Laini Taylor mentioned that sometimes following your dreams involves living a harder life or possibly even keeping it as a part time thing in terms of income.

Today I’d like to thank my parents for doing something many parents are unsure about when raising their procreation statistic from birth to eighteen (or sooner). From friends that are parents I’ve been told that they do feel bad about telling their kids to a certain rout of academia for the sake of job security. My parents did something different than most other parents, they let me follow my dreams. Granted I didn’t really have goals as a teenager. I had other concerns in life that at the time made up most of my anxiety than most of my peers.

Dreams

I did have three dreams though; become an author or writer, become a YouTube celebrity, go into stand up comedy. During highschool I did go through the culinary arts program, and although I did love it very much and got accepted to Cordon Bleu, I had to be honest with myself and realize I couldn’t handle the stress of being a chef (ironically those skills have proved the most useful in my adult life). The dream of being a YouTube celebrity was also thrown out the window since I had no access to fancy recording equipment (I got my first digital camera at 18) and YouTube just wasn’t what it is now at the time. So that left being an author or writer.

I was never open about being a stand up comedian, essentially because I was quiet with everyone but my small group of friends. In Speech class when we were offered to do a presentation as our final exam, I asked if I could do five minutes of stand up. My teacher gave me the greenlight under the condition that I couldn’t swear, make any innuendos, insult or make fun of my classmates, no racial slurs (not even poking fun at hispanic heritage), and plagiarize any other stand up routines. I followed the guidelines, got my classmates to laugh, and got an A+. I followed my better judgment and set aside that dream.

When I expressed my dream of being an author many adults thought it applied to being a journalist (they may have been onto something since I do enjoy doing book and movie reviews). When I said I wanted to write stories other adults would pull the race card and think I wanted to write about my Hispanic heritage and whatever struggles I had in life based on it. And while I think those stories are great and I can relate to a few of them, it’s a gimmick and we all know how I feel about those.

What I wanted to write about was essentially my own stories of a variety of people joining forces and overcoming differences to fight evil, badass girls using magic to save the day, and to be honest I wanted to write lgbt stories from the start. I wanted to write lgbt characters doin things you didn’t see them doing at the time (and even now don’t see them doing so often), I wanted to write them as something beyond the stereotype of flashy clothes, being bitchy, etc. I wanted to show them as performing cool magic stuff, using swords, having layers in their personality beyond “token gay friend”.

The Reality of Following Dreams

First there is nothing wrong with following your dreams, but it requires work. Maybe it’s because the college I applied to last minute and got a scholarship for doesn’t really have a good English program (I will show no mercy to that English department and it’s apathetic professors), maybe it’s because I was better at free writing than actual scholarly essays, maybe it’s because I didn’t put the full effort in school that I was claiming to at the time that I just wasn’t enjoying “following my dream”.

My only experience for writing when I was a teenager were sucky essays that were written by hand (oh thank you Gay man who helped invent the computer) and typing out sucky blogs that I deleted a LONG time ago.

During my year of being eighteen I wrote two books. I have them hidden away on a USB and backed up in a Google Drive folder and I don’t want to look at them. But I had felt it was a great accomplishment to do at the time. I kind of still think it’s an accomplishment that I did such a thing at that age in such a small frame of time compared to how many unfinished projects I have now.

It took a lot to accept that my dream wasn’t working out. I had professors that would tell me there was something wrong with my writing and only one of them bothering to help me improve myself. After a close friend had died from suicide I sat down with another friend, handed a short story, and asked if I should continue pursuing this dream. He was honest and said that while the creativity and imagination was there, there was no talent. I accepted the answer and changed my degree the following morning.

I didn’t cry over my dead dream, I had told my parents that I was changing my major, they were happy I was going for a worthwhile degree in biology (which would later go to environmental science). I decided to stop writing and concentrate on other parts in life that needed fixing up at the time.

Post Dream Life

I did return to writing about two years ago because I felt a burst of creativity in terms of stories. I decided to revisit one of my two books written and felt that it deserved a second chance of being rewritten, and that’s what I’m doing right now.

I have decided to take the advice of Laini Taylor and set my dream as part time rather than full time.

Finally, thank you again mom and dad. You accepted a risk many parents are scared to let their children follow, you didn’t do a “I told you so” like some parents would when I failed at my dreams, and you supported any and all decisions I made.

Remember When I Said I Painted?

I just remembered I had mentioned when I first started this little blog that I love painting and saw that I haven’t posted any paintings since then! Lol, I don’t have anything recent today, but I have a little lesson concerning quality of paint.

When I started painting I was literally using a watercolor pallet from a beginner art set my dad bought at a farmer’s market back in 2010. I used the water colors because they were the only thing from the beginner set that were decent quality to actually use since the color pencils and oil pastels were crap and the acrylic paint that came with the set were nearly dried out.
Throughout my life I always had the personal belief that “it’s not how much you spend on something, but it’s what you make out of what you have,” and I still stand by that belief. I created some lovely pictures I’m happy with using paint that would make one of my closest friends strangle me for ever purchasing.
I used these cheap paints very happily because I didn’t know any better, there were issues that I had with them though; I got frustrated with color shift on a regular basis and sometimes I felt some areas of a painting were too dull for me while other parts were alive and full of life (I inherited some of my acrylic paint from a brother who gave up on traditional art).

Then I met my friend Ben who I presume wanted to buy a plane ticket to Texas and strangle me after eating tacos for using Liquitex Basics and Apple Barrel acrylic paint. He told me about color shift, and how some of the paintings i was making wouldn’t last as time went on because of the acrylic paint quality. When hearing this i felt a little sad inside because I had started taking in commissions from close friends of mine and even gave paintings away as birthday/christmas presents and hearing that they didn’t have much time put a downer on me. So I gave away all my liquitex basic paints to a friend of mine and started fresh with Golden Paints I got super cheap with a Michael’s coupon.
The first thing that caught my attention was that there was no color shift at all! I had spent thirty minutes waiting for the color to darken and discovering that there is something to paying a little more for higher quality.The paintings I’ve made since then are also more alive since as my friend (and people who actually know a thing or two about paints) would say it’s because there’s more pigment than filling in the paint.
I also finally realized what people mean by ‘this acrylic paint is so watery’ after assuming that they were referring to the viscosity of the paint rather than the quality of the paint since there are soft body acrylics with low levels of viscosity gooiness and there are some paints nice and gooey.

There’s my little two cents for the day, I still have nothing against people who have cheaper paint (just try and come yell at me in person Ben! lol), I have seen people create really nice paintings with cheap paints from the brands I mentioned above, but I also know the disadvantages of them and probably will never use them again.

Disposing of Villains

In alot of stories there is something to cause conflict, we usually call this something a villain. The villain exists because let’s face it a story would be as dull as dirt with just main protagonists. Granted a story doesn’t need a villain gloating twirling his evil mustache at the hero. Sometimes the conflict is something beyond anyone’s control, but today we will be talking of how in many works of fiction villains can be defeated in a variety of ways. Sometimes fans are satisfied, sometimes they’re not. Note I will be primarily covering select solutions to villains from works of fiction I’ve seen or read or watched, if you wish to counter argue some points you are welcomed to do so in a respectful way.

Spoilers for Many Works of Fiction, gosh I gotta find a way to write these things without spoilers.

Kill the Son of a Bitch!

That’s right, sometimes the solution to all of the conflict it for the hero to kill our antagonist! We see this action frequently in fiction these days where a villain is so bad they just need to be killed. The hero either kills out of necessity of a final solution unwillingly, because it needs to be done, or just because the villain needs to die.

This is somewhat common in anime and manga; in the Sailor Moon manga our heroines kill nearly all the villains they run into without any hesitation or second thought to the idea of killing someone because they are a bad person. I had an issue with this problem since when I got to read the Sailor Moon manga I had already watched the anime where alot of these villains didn’t die. This is probably so since Naoko Takuichi had to continue to get to the main plot of the story and didn’t have time to develop most of her villains and needed a reason for Sailor Moon to show off her fancy new powers for the new arc.

Both the anime and manga of Dragon Ball featured Goku and friends usually kill the antagonists they run into because it was their only resort after Piccolo and Goku fought in the world martial arts tournament (so many beings in that fictional universe that have the power to destroy planets with ease). In this situation though it’s because said villains are threatening the planet earth on a regular basis and don’t seem to think killing innocent lives is a bad thing.

This isn’t something restricted to just anime and manga; Disney is guilty of this too, just not too often. In Sleeping Beauty the good faries having had enough of Maleficent screwing around with them and ruining their best flowers take Prince Edward and show the bitch and her minions who’s boss. They turn her beloved pet crow to stone and enchant a sword that Edward throws into Maleficent’s heart killing her efficiently. Even in her version of the story Maleficent is pushed far enough that she has to kill her enemy for the greater good.

There is also Mulan, while she technically isn’t a princess (she only hugged the emperor of China), she has the highest headcount of any of her princess counterparts committing mass genocide against the Han via avalanche and launching a giant firework/rocket into the leader of the Han. Tiana kills Dr.Facilier and while not exclusively Disney, Dorothy Gale did kill two witches, both times as accidents though. Same for her book counterpart. Same goes for Anastasia who unlike the previous girls in this paragraph kills her foe in cold blood.

Back to television this is very common on kids tv; most seasons of Power Rangers have the Rangers kill the main antagonist because they’re evil. Not all antagonists are killed, but I’ll get to that later.  So far all three seasons of Agents of Shield have had to resort to killing the antagonist of the season because they’re that insane. And finally on Doctor Who, while the Doctor himself has a rule set for himself that he won’t kill an enemy (post reboot anyways), that doesn’t mean his companions are always as compassionate/willing to follow his set of rules.

Finally in literature it is a common theme in dystopia novels that the final solution to defeating an enemy is through killing. In The Hunger Games series it appears Katniss’ solution to the issues in Panem is to kill president Snow, however rather than killing THAT antagonist, Katniss chooses to kill president Coin realizing she’s just as evil (possibly more evil) and lacking in compassion as Snow.

In contrast with above, the heroines of The Lunar Chronicles only choose to kill Queen Levana because she’s that insane, has the power to control people against their will, and is just that much of a jerk to make people miserable. She even tries to pull the compassion card with Cinder by just asking the lead heroin to let her “just be pretty again” before attacking Cinder in a rare moment of gullibleness.

Then there’s The Chronicles of Narna where despite being Christian literature many foes are killed. Not in cold blood though, but rather because the enemies are just variations of Satan. The final book in the series does have all the remaining antagonists and grey area entities fates left ambiguous (probably in hell) and in a unique twist all of the protagonists died.

God/Nature/Gravity/Someone Else Does the Dirty Work

This is more common in children’s entertainment where it’s not such a good thing to have the protagonist kill, so why not have nature or gravity do the dirty work for them? This is very common in works of Disney so I won’t list any specific movies from Disney where this happens.

Outside of Disney this is fairly rare, but since it wasn’t always a Disney franchise there is the original Star Wars trilogy. Luke goes on a mission to try to redeem his dad and has to deal with the constant sarcasm of Emperor Palpatine, Anakin reawakens in Vader and kills Palpatine for Luke leaving the young Jedi fairly pure still.

The first few seasons of Power Rangers actually has all the villains constantly trying to one up each other rather than having the rangers kill the main antagonists. Supposedly had the franchise not been a success, actress Machiko Soga would have been flown to California from Japan so they could film the five rangers placing her and her team back into a dumpster and sending her back to space.

While the antagonist doesn’t have to necessarily be killed for this solution, it is a good way to keep the protagonist from getting their hands dirty and keeping a fairly clean image and my second least favorite approach to the problem.

The Nonviolent Solution and Possible Redemption

Continuing with Power Rangers in what was thought to be their final season Power Rangers in Space where all hope is lost in the universe and five Rangers on earth and other rangers teams/allies fighting a losing galaxy wide battle against the Alliance of Evil consisting of all their previous foes teaming up together and doing planet wide attacks rather than sending one monster at a time. Zordon orders Andross the red ranger in this hopeless moment to kill him thus reducing nearly all the villains to ashes and redeeming villains such as Rita, Zed, Divatox, and even bringing Andross’ sister back from the dead.

Power Rangers Time Force went a step further and rather than killing the monster of the week, the rangers arrested them and froze them to be imprisoned. It is in the finale that the main villain Ransik chooses to surrender to the rangers in a moment of realization at the evil he has caused after nearly killing his daughter Nadira. Nadira had previously turned against her father after being told by a friend to break the cycle of hate that had caused the events of the season (oh and helping a woman give birth when she went into labor when Nadira was robbing a store). Ransik chooses to surrender to the rangers and be arrested.

As stated above in the Sailor Moon anime many villains and antagonists are in fact still alive because Usagi and friends treasure life and the power of love and friendship is that strong that all enemies can be redeemed. Didn’t work for Nephrite though. The French/Korean children’s show Miraculous LadyBug actually runs on this where on a weekly basis the protagonist Ladybug has to use her Lucky Charm powers to solve problems without killing any of the antagonists.

This is also a major issue with the children’s cartoons Avatar The Last Air Bender and Avatar the Legend of Korra where both incarnations of the Avatar choose not to kill the final antagonist. For Aang  in the final episodes of the series he is conflicted by his personal belief that killing is wrong despite the past Avatar incarnations saying that it was his duty to kill Fire Lord Ozai belief’s be damned. However a new option is presented and Aang jumps at that opportunity to save the day. In Legend of Korra, the lead heroin does kill one of her adversaries, but admits she regrets that there was no way for her to save him. In her series finale she approaches Kuvira and rather than using force against her talks her down into surrendering. Kuvira does not get off easy with Korra’s friends though.

Finally there’s the Twilight saga, as bad as the series is I do respect it for one reason. Rather than going for the bloody intense fight that Stephenie Meyer had been building up to in the final book Breaking Dawn our author chooses to have our protagonists and antagonists not go into battle with one another.

I will say that despite how anticlimactic this solution is at times, this is my preferred solution to a story since in real life (joking aside with my friends) I am a pacifist and I’m not particularly fond of violent solutions to problems.

Why Does it Matter?

Fifteen years ago today there was an event that affected people around the world and changed the world we live in. Where lives were lost and people felt emotions from sorrow to anger. It was the day my dad took me aside and decided to take the religion he had chosen for me more seriously by telling me that the people responsible for so much death were bad people, but that not all the people of the Islamic religion were responsible for all the potential days meant to be lived by those people lost.

Ten years later on May 2nd 2011 Osama Bin Ladin had been killed. I remember that day crying because I realized something horrible. That in the act of him being killed by US soldiers and celebrating his death that we had sunken to the level of evil (conspiracy theories aside (all conspiracy theory comments will be deleted btw)) needed to claim so many lives. I know not all of the world felt joy in his death, but it felt very wrong to me at that moment and even now that it had to be the final solution to a problem that still hasn’t been fixed as a result in today’s world.

To finish this, I’ll leave a quote from Fred Rogers; When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look at the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 

 

 

 

Gay and Christian

Trey Pearson, Christian rock singer for the band Every Day Sunday recently came out as gay. I haven’t ever listened to the band and probably won’t care to (I think my Jesus freak days are done,) but hearing the news that a member of a successful group was gay just caught my attention.

We’re a minority, lgbt christians, I can’t speak for all the other stories because I didn’t experience them first hand and I have no right to say what others have gone through. I don’t know what Trey Pearson went through growing up, I only have my own experiences.

These are also personal experiences that I have mostly chosen to keep off the internet, but I will post a little blog about it. I won’t talk about my actual upbringing or how my parents reacted concerning it and my religion (shockingly nothing negative though), I won’t talk about any actual religious stuff. If you want a blog post about homosexuality and the Bible you can go google another blog with that topic. My own spiritual experiences are also off limits.

Wait, Gay and Christian?

These are the usual questions that arose when I revealed I was gay and catholic; wait, aren’t you scared you’re going to hell for being gay? Are you ever going to get married? Are you ever going to have sex? Don’t you know you’ll be happier if you just leave the church? My usual answers are no, not sure (as of June 2015 I hope to though), that’s none of your business, and you don’t seem to be thrilled with life either.

In real life I choose to be fairly subtle about my sexuality because 1. I desire to be judged based on the kind of person I am and 2. It’s kind of fun to screw with the heads of people who don’t realize it off the bat. However in the days that I was more religious I chose not to speak of my sexuality too much because I wanted to keep my love life private, a right every person has. It wasn’t out of shame, but because I feel some things in life should be private.

Concerning that period of time and when I think about it it’s pretty obvious who would have stayed my friend had I been open about what I am and who would have been ready to throw stones at me. I keep in contact with the former and prefer not to be in contact with the later.

I also never chose to come out to any religious group because I never wanted to be the token gay, or the face of Christians who happen to be gay. I wanted to be treated as equally as everyone else. The thought of being the face of something terrifies the shit out of me; it means I have to constantly be on good behavior, constantly be the bigger person,  and any time I fucked up it looks bad on a whole group of people. It’s a cowardly decision I’m aware, but becoming the face of something would have meant losing something I very much desire to keep private in my life.

As of this current time (2016) my religious beliefs have been moved over to my private life too. Also not out of shame (yes there has been struggle the past few years because life is never easy), but out of the same reason I keep my love life private, because I want it to be private and I have the right to that privacy. Yes there are alot of things I don’t agree with the church about and many people will say I don’t deserve to say I’m catholic based on it. My usual response to that is “k thanks, bye.”

The C and A

The  first and sole relationship I’ve ever had was with an atheist. I’m still friends with him, I still love him. I’ve looked up to him since I was sixteen hoping I would grow up to be like him as an adult as someone as confident and comfortable with his sexuality as he was. He is also a very loving individual, very stressed, but very loving.

I chose to keep my relationship with him private because it was long distance and based of that readers should be able to gather enough. There were a few friends I told of it, some of them were shocked that I talked to atheists and were convinced I’d be led away from God. Other said I needed to convert him to the love of God so he wouldn’t go to hell.

When the subject of God came up, they weren’t always pleasant and I was defensive about the situation and said things I really regret now as an older adult. However, from this man that I probably admire a little too much I feel I learned to be a more loving person and gained the ability to love a little more unconditionally (ok maybe not completely unconditionally, there’s alot of idiots in my life).

The reason he’s my sole relationship so far is because a relationship just isn’t on my priority list right now. I also date based off intuition and chemistry and I don’t have much of my type available at this time.

Other lgbtq Christians?

I haven’t met too many, I’ve met a few, they’re nice people, but there’s never a balance I feel comfortable with concerning religious life and sexuality. My gaydar detects who’s gay in a group fairly accurately. I never act on it because in most of those situations the individual has/is in the closet. There is nothing wrong with being in the closet if you are scared/desire not to come out (so long as you don’t bash anyone out of the closet).

I’ve gone to gay christian dating sites, I had a good laugh after thirty minutes of going through profiles and deleted mine. Nothing against those gentlemen, but I can’t see myself with any of them.

Has it Ever Been a Problem? (Just End the Damn Blog Post Already)

I can understand if someone were concerned for my mental health concerning this topic. As I said before I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences, but I can understand resentment or a dislike of the religion. Even for those who are open about their religion and sexuality there are still some delicate places. For one thing it’s a little hard to date and be abstinent since it’s nearly always a deal breaker from my own experience. No idea why straight couples don’t get shamed as much concerning the topic (unless one of them ends up pregnant…).

I never really did ever think I was going to hell or feared what God would think of me since God is omnipresent. I was raised in a very loving family and I’m grateful for it. Do I feel like I’m getting the short end of alot of sticks? HELL YEAH! But I can be very hopeful for a nice future. To finish things up, here’s a song I could always relate to and always shared without revealing that it’s a christian song (seriously why do we always have to label things these days?)

 

 

 

Grieving

Hey look at that three posts in one week and two in just a few hours. Grieving isn’t easy, some people do a good job of putting on a poker face, and sometimes time does heal that wound. There are things, days, events that bring the sadness back.

Tomorrow is one of those days; on December 23rd of last year my godmother lost the fight against cancer after making the decision to rest. It was hard for me and hard for my mother. I cried because I authentically loved her and because I kept repeating to myself mentally ‘you were supposed to see me graduate next december and we’d all have that special cake recipe you’ve been planning on teaching me,’ while my mother lost her lifelong best friend.

Tomorrow we both and the family live with a little empty space, but we’re convinced she’s in heaven and happy.

Happy Mother’s Day Other Grandma

Whenever I talk about my mother and one of my grandmothers I usually have positive things to say; my mother raised me and I feel she did a good job, and my dad’s mother was a very kind woman from when I knew her and hearing stories of her after she passed influenced my stance on feminism and women’s rights.

There is my other grandmother though, I know three different versions of her; the woman who sometimes took care of me growing up, the woman who isn’t so nice, and the woman who took a big risk for her time period and threw out her no good husband.

I never knew either of my grandpas, one from what I can gather was a good man. The other was a worthless son of a bitch who’s probably in hell. The only time I saw the later was in his coffin at his funeral so many miles away from home in Chicago. I never knew why he left as a child since these issues are never discussed among kids. The only reason we knew when to go to his funeral were because his daughters wanted to make sure my mom didn’t get anything in his will (two of them are bitches, one of them is pretty cool and I regret that we had a falling out with her too).

Back to my other grandma, it’s has been hard to come to terms with how I feel about her from going to someone I genuinely loved, to someone I loathed because she treated everyone like shit and would complain like no tomorrow unless we were watching telenovelas, to someone I felt sorry for because we had no idea who made her this way. I don’t know her life, I never will, she’s been on her death bed for twelve years so I don’t think I’ll feel too sad when she passes away.

But today she gets respect from me for making a decision that even today is still looked down upon by some people. She’s not the strong feminist figure of my dad’s mother who managed to also be a devout catholic, and she’s not my mother who raised me and put up with me. So thank you grandma Francis.

Queer 26

If you had told me in my first instances of attraction to someone of the same gender that I would be fully comfortable with me orientation by my midtwenties I would have given a very confused look since I was three and I had just discovered David Yost as Billy the blue power ranger.

I should backtrack though; I have an internet friend who’s and artist that I chat/have spats with on a regular basis. The sources of spats being him thinking that I should stay single because God wants me to, and me saying he and the church is full of shit in that aspect, but that’s a blog post for another day. We talk about writing and one day he asked “why are so many of your characters LGBT?” I shrugged and said it just comes natural and that I’m not just throwing it out there to be out there. I don’t think he believes me, and I’m convinced there is a voice in my subconscious that doesn’t believe me either.

My Mundane Bitching

There was an instance shortly after gay marriage became legal where he was at an art show not too far from a gay pride parade and how he felt uncomfortable looking at paintings next to a shirtless man wearing a kilt with pierced nipples. He told me that with the legalization of gay marriage that he hoped the “pride parade fad” would die down. Even though I’m not fond of the gay stereotype it was at that moment I prayed to God that the pride parade would go on forever.

Despite all these happy things I’m not a happy person under the LGBT population; aside from typical life issues there are still things that bother me. Why is there still a LGBT genre on Netflix and Hulu? Why is the  token gay person still usually a stereotype with fancy clothing, feminine voice, and obsessed with musicals (on US television anyways)? Why do all coming out stories that are successful and more sympathetic about lesbians rather than gay men? Why are most gay stories instantly associated with coming out and gayngst? WHy were most of the badass gay characters lesbians? Why do gay shows/movies have to be so damn raunchy? When will I get Will & Grace on Netflix? There is an argument that not all gay shows are raunchy such as Glee and The New Normal. I can accept that, but both shows still have stereotypical gay men as the primary cast. I will give credit to Modern Family about having a gay couple that isn’t stereotypical though. I will also give special mention to Joey Gutierrez from Agents of SHIELD for being a very normal person who happens to be gay.

I can’t speak for shows like Sens8 because I don’t watch it and I’d like to go into the topic of bisexuality, except there are many other blogs out there that will cover the topic.

You’re probably thinking “what are you bitching about? Society has taken huge leaps to be normal with you and you’re still not happy? Why can’t you be happy with the gay characters out there? You’re sounding like GLAAD!” And my reason for bitching is because I’m not the gay stereotype. One of the reasons why I was uncomfortable with my sexuality when I realized what I was was because I couldn’t relate to the gay stereotype I saw on tv from age ten to thirteen. At the time my primary source of entertainment was anime though and although homosexuality was still toned down to “close friendship” ( and in some cases ‘cousins’) in the US adaptions, I realized what those relations were. I couldn’t become fully okay with myself until I met an adult gay male who didn’t have anything stereotypical about him aside from his voice. No flashy clothing, no sassy attitude, no desire to go clubbing, no abs or muscles to look at (not all stereotypes are bad things), just a regular plain adult who happened to be gay.

A Small Snippet of my Teens/YA Life

This adult is my first love and former boyfriend who is still a very dear person to me (I’m not entirely over him). He opened my eyes to more issues and in a sense agreed with what I hoped for in the future where being gay didn’t instantly define what I am and completely change who I am to someone as soon as they found out. First he showed me what Yaoi was, I freaked out significantly because I had presumed that because I was gay there was no way I could have sex and would die a virgin. He also told me there’s such a thing as Gay Day at Disney parks where gay couples and families could go and be normal. I liked the idea, but me being an idealist hoped that one day Gay Day wouldn’t be needed anymore and I could go to a Disney park with my partner on any regular old day.

He also eventually showed me Battlestar Galactica and Caprica that had what I had wanted in US television; gays doing cool stuff without being a stereotype. It did kind of suck that in BSG the gay character became a villain and the gay character on Caprica was a trained mobster assassin who killed in very bloody ways. Prior to being exposed to Battlestar Galactica though and through the exposure to Yaoi I did start reading more manga with more LGBT couples and gay men who weren’t stereotypes. I really liked it! It made me dream of moving to Japan just so I can be seen as a normal person (in a sense).

I was also exposed to the television show Queer as Folk, and although it was interesting, I’m not really one for raunchy stuff on tv.

Writing

When I graduated highschool I wanted to write YA, to this day I only have two completed books. They’re awful and should not be read by anyone because so much of it makes me want to cringe. I am in the process of rewriting said stories though. It wasn’t intentional, but I made two characters that were gay when I was doing a fanfic of Dead Like Me. The story eventually evolved into something completely different and even now as I’m rewriting it it has evolved into it’s own universe. The generally story is a Christian gay boy hoping and praying for his atheist boyfriend to wake up from his coma.

I’m still working on this story and many others, but there’s a multitude of gay and straight characters in them.

To finish this blog I’ll leave a song and the fictional lgbt character I relate to most; Pearl from Steven Universe.

 

Update

Still going to school, getting some graduation stuff done this week to make sure I’m finished with school in December. Haven’t been reading too many non-school related stuff. Things are going as smoothly as they can within my power. Any of you got advice on what to do with a malfunctioning ereader?

Getting Hugged by Your Old Bully

Today was just like every uneventful friday. Well aside from it being the friday before the start of a new school term. I cleaned a little, went to a meeting concerning an upcoming event for a church group I volunteer with, played with my dog, and worked on a painting that I’m giving as a gift.
My parents decided to invite me to IHOP and I decided to tag along. For almost a year now a waitress I know from highschool has been working there. The thing is, she is a very good waitress and is always considerate of the customers and is friendly towards my family in particular.
What exactly is the big deal about this waitress? She bullied me in highschool. It’s that plain and simple.
It was only for one year, I kept to myself and she made it her life’s mission to bother everyone. Unlike most people in my life who picked on me, I didn’t hold a grudge. I don’t know why I didn’t hold a grudge, I think it’s because I had to deal with peers who treated me worse than she ever did. In junior year she came out as a lesbian. I cheered for her for five minutes and moved on with life.
I figured after graduation I’d never see her again. Then again after graduation I also figured I’d be done with higher education in four to five years (HAH!) Then one fateful tuesday (I know it was tuesday because my friend and I love Half Off Tuesday at the movies and that’s the day we went to Ihop) I ran into her. I realized who she was in five minutes.
She didn’t acknowledge who I was until we were done with our meal. When she did she was very polite about it. She mentioned being around Texas a few years until getting bored with being a nomad and asking her mother if she could move back in.
From that point on I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation; do I stop going to the only Ihop in town? Do I find out her work schedule to avoid her? Do I ask for seating outside of her turf? I decided to just let it all go and continue on with my life. She’s been a very good waitress, she’s met my extended family by chance. They don’t know she once picked on me, I’m not telling them because that’s in the past. The cool thing is she once gave me free hot apple cider.